Basically, recently, my moods seem to just simply be that.. bored. Why? i really have no clue.
I'm losing me. I'm losing what i've become, and i don't want to. I need reassurance, but the question is, in what? I'm slowly slipping away. This life is a constant rise of up and down. I can't wait for the day when i'm in control. The day where i say what im doing. The day i no longer have to be watched constantly, and am locked away by my mother. The day that i don't have to answer to those who have a 'title', those who pretend to be friends. I can't wait for the day that i'm reborn. I feel as if i need an escape, any escape. I feel as if i annoy some, which i'm sorry for. I need to define Sarah. But how can one possibly do that when theyre not sure. The only things that i do know of such a 'Sarah', is that she wants the fairytale, though she know it wont happen. She wants to escape the hardship caused by her body. She wants freedom. She needs to break down and be built again. She's over it, she's over the drama, the chaos, the torture that teenage and hsc years bring.'Why can't the world be rainbows and butterflies?' The hardest part of the question is that the answer. To me the answer is because someone always wants to be in control, you can't ever live a happy life, never is everyone going to be equal and happy.
Plays such as Hamlet, do make you appreciate how although you may be in a down. Your life isn't turned upside down within 2 months by your father dying and your mother remarrying your uncle. But the problem is just that, your comparing your life to that of another.
I'm over wearing the smile, i'm over hiding whoever the hell me really is, though tomorrow i'll return to being the complacent Sarah who has her life organized and perfect. I'm just over everything. I need guidance.
Thankfully, theres people like Reiana, who understand me. At least, 3/4 of me. We have the same loves. I know that talking to her, shell always be there to listen. Then theres Kayla, Janel, Shyanne, Eliam and Avick. They're the types of people will always be there, although they might not have a clue what your on about. They all help in there own way, often in more than one. Theres also Tamy, Lucy, and Kylie. Although theres often madness between them, they remind me of a free-er time, a time when i didn't have what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. They are my escape in a sense. Theres also Jess, Jess, Amanda, Rebekah, Becky, Sam, Josh, Nikka, the list goes on. These people are the ones that i can turn to in my darkest hour, the ones that help me and guide me to the light. Theres also my family that will always be there, even though they annoy me. I wish i could appriciate what my parents have sacrificed, although its kind of hard, at least now. Lastly, theres bruce and lilly. They know me the best out of everyone. They don't talk, just simply listen. They are constantly there, even if at the time i dont give them the attention they deserve. They hold my secrets, my sadness, and they constantly make me smile. I don't know what i'd do without them.
I'm not dying, not yet. Though at times i wish i were. Sometimes i wish i could lock myself within a cave. It sounds depressing, but it would allow me to just be free. I guess an escape is Harry Potter and Doctor Who, within them theres always going to be me. The freedom would allow me to become a free person.
One thing i seem to struggle is with the high expectations everyone has for me. I just can't do it. I try and tell my parents and i get told to stop thinking like it, it is kind of difficult though. My teachers expect me to preform, and be near top. I just can't. My friends expect me to be the one for them to look for for help. I understand that, but i just can't help with half of their problems, because i haven't even come across them myself.
I find myself putting on a front of being cool calm and collected, when really inside im breaking and becoming incredibly depressed. It's something id refuse to admit normally, but i'm sick of hiding it. Money makes the world go round, but there is just never enough money. I'm tired of pretending to be fine. I hate saying no when friends invite me places, i hate appearing like were rich when really i regret anything i spend, as i know that could have been a meal for us.
I carry so much on my shoulders, i'm tired. But i have to keep going, i can't give up, for if i give up, my parents are going to be broken. I can't give that to them. This worlds struggles are growing and growing, as i grow up, i believe theyre going to go, though they never appear to. I'm honestly worried about my future. I don't know where i'm going to go after high school. University or Tafe seem like an obvious answer, but i don't mean in that sense. How am i going to grow, what am i going to become, theres so many decisions that all are based on simply my ATAR result, which isn't going to be great. I'm fearful of not getting what i want, im worried about a job, i'm just confused, terribly confused. Honestly, i just wish that i knew someone with exactly the same problems, someone who i could relate to exactly, unfortunately such a person doesn't exist. I wish i could cry on someone's shoulders, i wish i had the perfect escape. I can't to my mother or father, or friends, because they'll simply say 'I understand'. They will try to be there, i know they will, but at the same time theres that fear of 'why is she crying honestly? her life isnt that bad, i mean people in africa live without any form of money'. Comparing just comes up everywhere i turn.
I know the thoughts of the last part at least, probably wouldn't occur, but i just can't not think like that. I often believe that my friends just hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. I try to convince myself otherwise its just difficult. It's as though i'm just there if they need someone to do something and everyone else is busy, or i have something that they need. Yet again, that most likely isn't true, but i've just been treated like it for so long, it's hard not to believe it.
I wish i could be like everyone else, i wish i could fit in and not be an obvious blimp, i just wish i were normal :/ I relate to this person on this show, calling myself beautiful without lying is impossible. Everyone may say it, though i feel as if they believe that they just want to say it. However i remember at youth, this random girl claimed that i was beautiful, shes the one person that i believe. The one and only person. Everyone else i feel either thinks that theyre meant to, or that theyre obliged to, or its just something that you say.
I'm just confused, lost, depressed, and down. Hopefully i turn around someday soon. Hopefully. Though i can already feel myself hiding, my dad comes home, and i act normal. I can't do this for much longer.
No comments:
Post a Comment