Bored, Boring, Borefying, boredtastic.

Basically, recently, my moods seem to just simply be that.. bored. Why? i really have no clue.

I'm losing me. I'm losing what i've become, and i don't want to. I need reassurance, but the question is, in what? I'm slowly slipping away. This life is a constant rise of up and down. I can't wait for the day when i'm in control. The day where i say what im doing. The day i no longer have to be watched constantly, and am locked away by my mother. The day that i don't have to answer to those who have a 'title', those who pretend to be friends. I can't wait for the day that i'm reborn. I feel as if i need an escape, any escape. I feel as if i annoy some, which i'm sorry for. I need to define Sarah. But how can one possibly do that when theyre not sure. The only things that i do know of such a 'Sarah', is that she wants the fairytale, though she know it wont happen. She wants to escape the hardship caused by her body. She wants freedom. She needs to break down and be built again. She's over it, she's over the drama, the chaos, the torture that teenage and hsc years bring.'Why can't the world be rainbows and butterflies?' The hardest part of the question is that the answer. To me the answer is because someone always wants to be in control, you can't ever live a happy life, never is everyone going to be equal and happy.

Plays such as Hamlet, do make you appreciate how although you may be in a down. Your life isn't turned upside down within 2 months by your father dying and your mother remarrying your uncle. But the problem is just that, your comparing your life to that of another.

I'm over wearing the smile, i'm over hiding whoever the hell me really is, though tomorrow i'll return to being the complacent Sarah who has her life organized and perfect. I'm just over everything. I need guidance.

Thankfully, theres people like Reiana, who understand me. At least, 3/4 of me. We have the same loves. I know that talking to her, shell always be there to listen. Then theres Kayla, Janel, Shyanne, Eliam and Avick. They're the types of people will always be there, although they might not have a clue what your on about. They all help in there own way, often in more than one. Theres also Tamy, Lucy, and Kylie. Although theres often madness between them, they remind me of a free-er time, a time when i didn't have what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. They are my escape in a sense. Theres also Jess, Jess, Amanda, Rebekah, Becky, Sam, Josh, Nikka, the list goes on. These people are the ones that i can turn to in my darkest hour, the ones that help me and guide me to the light. Theres also my family that will always be there, even though they annoy me. I wish i could appriciate what my parents have sacrificed, although its kind of hard, at least now. Lastly, theres bruce and lilly. They know me the best out of everyone. They don't talk, just simply listen. They are constantly there, even if at the time i dont give them the attention they deserve. They hold my secrets, my sadness, and they constantly make me smile. I don't know what i'd do without them.

I'm not dying, not yet. Though at times i wish i were. Sometimes i wish i could lock myself within a cave. It sounds depressing, but it would allow me to just be free. I guess an escape is Harry Potter and Doctor Who, within them theres always going to be me. The freedom would allow me to become a free person.

One thing i seem to struggle is with the high expectations everyone has for me. I just can't do it. I try and tell my parents and i get told to stop thinking like it, it is kind of difficult though. My teachers expect me to preform, and be near top. I just can't. My friends expect me to be the one for them to look for for help. I understand that, but i just can't help with half of their problems, because i haven't even come across them myself.

I find myself putting on a front of being cool calm and collected, when really inside im breaking and becoming incredibly depressed. It's something id refuse to admit normally, but i'm sick of hiding it. Money makes the world go round, but there is just never enough money. I'm tired of pretending to be fine. I hate saying no when friends invite me places, i hate appearing like were rich when really i regret anything i spend, as i know that could have been a meal for us.

I carry so much on my shoulders, i'm tired. But i have to keep going, i can't give up, for if i give up, my parents are going to be broken. I can't give that to them. This worlds struggles are growing and growing, as i grow up, i believe theyre going to go, though they never appear to. I'm honestly worried about my future. I don't know where i'm going to go after high school. University or Tafe seem like an obvious answer, but i don't mean in that sense. How am i going to grow, what am i going to become, theres so many decisions that all are based on simply my ATAR result, which isn't going to be great. I'm fearful of not getting what i want, im worried about a job, i'm just confused, terribly confused. Honestly, i just wish that i knew someone with exactly the same problems, someone who i could relate to exactly, unfortunately such a person doesn't exist. I wish i could cry on someone's shoulders, i wish i had the perfect escape. I can't to my mother or father, or friends, because they'll simply say 'I understand'. They will try to be there, i know they will, but at the same time theres that fear of 'why is she crying honestly? her life isnt that bad, i mean people in africa live without any form of money'. Comparing just comes up everywhere i turn.

I know the thoughts of the last part at least, probably wouldn't occur, but i just can't not think like that. I often believe that my friends just hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. I try to convince myself otherwise its just difficult. It's as though i'm just there if they need someone to do something and everyone else is busy, or i have something that they need. Yet again, that most likely isn't true, but i've just been treated like it for so long, it's hard not to believe it.

I wish i could be like everyone else, i wish i could fit in and not be an obvious blimp, i just wish i were normal :/ I relate to this person on this show, calling myself beautiful without lying is impossible. Everyone may say it, though i feel as if they believe that they just want to say it. However i remember at youth, this random girl claimed that i was beautiful, shes the one person that i believe. The one and only person. Everyone else i feel either thinks that theyre meant to, or that theyre obliged to, or its just something that you say.

I'm just confused, lost, depressed, and down. Hopefully i turn around someday soon. Hopefully. Though i can already feel myself hiding, my dad comes home, and i act normal. I can't do this for much longer.

Homework.

Well today we had a test for english.. On wednesday i went to the library with Kaylalala :D that was awesome, and so it helped with this exam, although i still didn't do that well, the information wasnt specific enough, and it was moreso just lightly dusting on things, moreso then an actual essay.

Anyway, i have to list my homework i have tihs weekend otherwise im going to forget..

English - read michael x chapter, although if i can read more

Maths - the looking back 1, as many questions as possible, so then i can chillax in class, however hes dedicating 2 more class lessons to it, so yeah :D

Modern - the questions that were meant to be done in class, and the essay that was meant to be done before..

Business - google and discover more about apple and its production and advertising.

And drama, i have nothing to worry about, because were workshopping next week, so yeah :D and basically i have homework for 4/5 subjects, and now must do them in 2 days, so spacing it out, it would be like 2 a day, however im going to try and do it all on Saturday, so that Sunday i can do practice exam essays, though i doubt it D;
anyway, YOUTH :D

anyway, this is mainly for memory, and now i must go :D

I haven't blogged in forever..

Basically, i haven't, so a quick recapp of what has happened since the last time i possibly blogged. Well i finsihed my IP. 16/20, and the 4 points were taken for the writting part, not my actual ip o; so like yeah :D Now were onto GP's. Shyanne and Reiana and i make up the 'Lipsticks'. Our GP is based on online gambling. It might sound boring, but its actually really cool =]

School is going blah. I can't wait for it to be over. I was right about hamlet being a major pain in the backside. The english class had an excursion today to state library. Me and Jaime are to the point now, where we arn't close, were friends, just not very close friends. However, Me and Shyanne have become alot closer. Reiana, Shyanne and me are like the massive drama buddies =] were just incredibly cool :D

I still keep going to youth, with Avick. It's rather amazing, me and Avick are also getting closer :D I've been to the movies with Tiffany and Edison twice. That's been good, we saw Pirates of the Caribbean, and Fast five :D. They were awesome. And and and, the best day, I met up with Tamy and Kylie :D your both amazing.

Anyway, i better add a side note about these two amazing people :D

Tamy - She's my sister from another mister. Although we met like in January, she truly is my little sister. Although at times we both want quiet space, we love talking to one another. When i talk to her, its instantly like weve been talking forever. We just don't get the chance alot because of school and everything. We constantly laugh at one another, and basically, she knows more of me then most people do. I can trust her with my life. She is amazing, and she needs to realise both this and how beautiful she is. =]

Kylie - She's my other sister from another mister. I met her through Tamy, which im over the moon thankful for. Shes so cute =']. She's been through alot of the things that i have, and really, alot more. I'm amazed as to why though, because she is purely sweet. She needs to realise how beautiful and amazing she is. She can sing like no tomorrow. I love the fact that she can laugh at just about anything =] Shes truly amazing.

Lucy - My third and youngest sister from another mister. Shes my cutiepie ='] shes so small and takes the best photos at times LOL. I love how confident she is for her age. She's truly amazing. =]

and anyway, conversation done :D

Youth and Friday

Haha, Yesterday i had my double english exam, totally like failed that, and then i had double drama! i love that so much ='] all i can say is that im a drama freak, and if i don't get the marks for NIDA, im going to do a double degree of education and arts, and with arts do drama (Y)
I got to go home early which was awesome =]

Then i had a long 2 hour wait before youth (Y) But hey, that wasn't that much of a problem =]
And then at youth, it was AWESOME! =] the word of the week was encouragement, so we basically spent the whole time encouraging =']. And like Jess was awesome, the way that she said, that like it looked like i'd been going to youth forever, and it was only my first time, the way that GOD shined on me, i was just like aw! =']

I love the feeling that you get when you come home from youth, its just amazing =]

Thursday (Y)

Cause Thursday's are cool =]
Jaime learnt about Rebecca Black's Friaday today LOL, that was a good free period =']
Today was awesome =] we didn't do anything major, but it was cool =]
My ip's slowly comming together, stage direction wise, which is cool, and yeah, i need to get my flute serviced, and possibly get a flute stand? i don't know about that one, i have to go through it a few times and such (Y)
Tomorrow i do my frankenstein and bladerunner essay, wish me luck =]
not alot to write, (Y)

School, School, Glorious School.

It's a Wednesday, thats always awesome =]. We finish at 12.20, so it was an early day =]
Last night i was extremely bored, and i got to talk to Steve! ;D i haven't talked to that kid in forever =] anyway =]

Today, Modern, i found out i have a test on Monday week 10 (Y), but yeah =]
Business, we learnt about efficiency ratios, such fun :/
Recess and My free period i went into the drama room with Shyanne! =] we worked on our plays, though she tried getting out of her play, but hey =] were slowly getting there, i think ive got my transitioning down packed. Well not entirely, but like what i want to do? yeah (Y)
English, were starting Hamlet ._. I keep thinking of macbeth, but yeah ._. apparently hamlet is hard but easier than the last topic, im so not looking forward to it ._.

Not alot has happened between yesterday and right now =]

Tests and when they are:

- Business, week 9 friday
- Modern, week 10 Monday, double period.
- Need to study; Russia
- World War 1

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Avick and Mato!

Haha yeah =]

Last night i planned out hte plan for Avick's birthday, i wanted to do something for him, because his parents don't really do alot, and yeah, it was like the first time i could and so yeah (Y) Anyway, last night i planned it out that id go to Coles at like 8am this morning and get a cake, lollies, candles and a few other party type favorites. This morning i got up, and went to coles. I didn't leave until like 8.30 were at the time i was like crap! but it's all good, i got to school on time, cause Casula Malls like right around the corner which is awesome =]. Double business went by pretty quickly, and it was cool (Y) And then we had the harmony day assembly.

Sam and Nic hosted, of course, and Kayla represented year 12 with her speech. It was rather awesome =], though i think it would have been nerve wracking for both her and the others. LOL Chris, the indigenous representative, put the mic on the stand and it fell off, and so we sat there for like 5 minutes while they fixed it ='] that was awesome. Then i had double maths, nay ._.

After maths i was walking out, and i met up with Avick and i was like crap! Because i had the coles stuff in the car, and so luckily Shyanne was walking with us, and so i stated 'i'll meet up with you at sms', because thankfully Sam called me back (Y) And so we went to the car, got the food and came walking back when the sms group were walking down the stairs because Ms G wasn't there, so we were like crap. But it doesnt matter, its the thought that counts, and i dont think he really caught on, maybe he did, but hey =].

We went into the library and had a little 'Suprise Party' for Avick with the SMS group, it was awesome =] We just like joked and laughed and ate =]. I'm glad there was something that we could do for his birthday and to just have a happy ending to tuesday =] Rebecca loved the tubes and kept eating them LOL, but she shared a little =]. Twkah? i have no idea how to spell her name, stated that she didn't eat cake, and so me and Bec were like, do you want us to feel bad? Eat at least something, and so she had a tube which was awesome =] And Josh stated that he didn't like anything to do with chocolate, and i said that i had him covered, so pulled out the lollies, and Bec offered him some Tubes, so i think it went around and everyone had at least something =]

I prayed for Avick, though, i didn't really know what to say, but it was good all the same =]
And yeah.

Sim Coaster, i've almost completed! I've just got to get 51% of the shares, which you get by winning challenges and such =] Speaking of which, im off to do now =] well that and Maths and Business homework (Y)

OH AND KAYLA! awesome speech ;D you did fine, believe me =]